Why It’s Crucial That You Mess Up: Rupture and Repair
As a parent of teenagers, I’ve had plenty of moments where emotions ran high, for them and for me. Truth be told, I get angry way more often than my kids do. But, I’ve always made it a practice to apologize promptly and take responsibility when I mess up. And I’m proud to say that my kids do the same. Even with three teens in the house, no one goes to bed angry- not because we avoid conflict, but because we’ve made repair a habit.
That ability to come back together after a rupture?
It didn’t start in adolescence; it started in infancy.
What Is “Rupture and Repair”?
In the world of infant mental health, rupture and repair is one of the most important concepts we have. It means this:
You will miss cues.
You will lose patience.
You will say or do things that create distance, frustration, or stress in your baby.
That’s not failure. That’s being a human in a relationship with another (very tiny) human.
The good news? Your baby doesn’t need you to be perfect- they need you to come back.
Repair is the process of reconnecting: soothing, apologizing (yes, even to babies), offering closeness again. And it’s how trust is built, one moment at a time.
What It Looks Like with Babies and Toddlers
Repair with a baby doesn’t look like a heartfelt talk or a handwritten apology note. It looks like this:
You snap at your crying baby, then soften your voice and say, “That was loud. I’m sorry, sweetheart. I’m here.”
You miss a hunger cue, they get overwhelmed, and while you feed them, you hold them close and whisper, “I know, that was hard. I’ve got you now.”
You put your toddler in time-out out of frustration, then later sit on the floor with them and say, “I was upset. You were upset. Let’s snuggle and start fresh.”
These moments- small and quiet- are where emotional safety is built.
Why It Matters
Repair teaches your baby:
That the relationship is safe, even when it’s messy
That disconnection isn’t forever
That love and comfort return
That their caregiver is tunable — able to notice, adjust, and reconnect
When this happens over and over again, your child begins to internalize a deep, lifelong message:
“I can survive hard feelings — and I’m not alone in them.”
That’s the root of resilience.
Rupture Isn’t a Flaw — It’s a Feature
It might feel counterintuitive, but rupture itself is an opportunity. Without rupture, your child would never get to experience repair. They wouldn’t learn that it’s normal for things to go off track- and safe to come back together again.
They wouldn’t learn how to apologize, how to forgive, how to trust that love can stretch, bend, even fray- and still hold.
You might thing you’re “just surviving” those hard moments, but you’re teaching something essential.
You Don’t Need to Get It Right the First Time
So many new parents pressure themselves to respond perfectly. To always be calm, always be intuitive, always know exactly what their baby needs. That’s not realistic OR NECESSARY!
What matters is what happens after the rupture. That’s what your baby remembers; that’s what their nervous system learns. And that’s what lays the foundation for trust, emotional regulation, and lifelong connection.
